Nick Neercassel: Divine Secrets of the Ome-ga-ga Brotherhood

QUINTUPLE D

The Mid-Heaven Gathering was over and I was back on the road. I was somewhere in North Dakota (one never knows where one can end up at the end of a Gathering) and though Spring was about half-over no one had taken the opportunity to make North Dakota aware of that fact. The wind was blowing hard and cold and I had to put up the top of the 67 Mustang convertible. The heater was going full blast. I was hungry so I decided to stop and dine in the comfort of a roadside joint called the Dakota Deli, Diner, Drive-In & Dive, or Quintuple D as the locals called it. Consolidation was big in North Dakota.

By the way, I'm Nick Neercassel and I'm a Theological Private Eye (TPE), i.e., I work for the Galactic General. The income is mostly non-existent, the schedule is brutal, but there's treasure laid up in heaven. Or so they tell me. The late comedian, George Carlin, once said, "Atheism is a nonprophet religion." The few true prophets I knew were all poor so Christianity must be, to paraphrase George, a nonprofit religion.

I lingered over the menu finally choosing Buffalo steak, cooked medium rare, with a side of barbecue baked beans, French bread, coffee and blueberry pie. I was definitely in need of a hearty meal whether my heart needed it or not.

A conversation in the booth behind me caught my attention.

"Look here, Sam, you don't know what the hell you're talking about. The End will take place in 2015."

"No, no, Harry, it's 2016. Any fool would realize that."

"Well, just call me a fool for the truth." Harry defiantly replied. It's always helpful, when overhearing a conversation, that the principals involved call out their names in the first couple of sentences. I then did something that because of my retiring nature I don't usually do.

"Hi, fellows, mind if I join you?" Sam and Harry looked surprised then Sam said, "Oh, hell, we're just running our months. Go ahead and have a seat, stranger."

I introduced myself. Sam asked me, "Where you from, Nick?"

"From south of here."

"You mean South Dakota?"

"No, South Carolina."

"Well, you must have missed a turn or two." Harry dryly remarked. "What brings you to North Dakota?"

"I heard there was an economic boom going on here and I wanted to see it for myself."

"Looking for work?"

"No, I've already got a job that keeps me going 24/7."

"And what might that be?"

"I'm a Theological Private Eye. That's why I decided to butt in on your conversation. I heard you talking eschatology and I was immediately curious."

About that time my waitress showed up with my meal. Before taking a bite of the buffalo steak, I asked Sam and Harry. "If you don't mind me asking, why are you fellows talking about 'The End'?"

As I started chewing the absolutely delicious meat, Sam handed me a brochure. The title of it was 'The Divine Secrets of the Ome-ga-ga Brotherhood.' At that moment, if like the title character on the old tv show, 'My Favorite Martian', there were retractable antenna in my head, they would have engaged and have shot straight up into the air.

"Where did you get this from?" I asked the question in my most innocuous TPE voice.

"Right over there." Sam replied, pointing at the Quintuple D counter. On the counter there looked to be about 100 or more of the brochures. I have to admit I was impressed. The Three Omegas Distribution System was improving.

Harry spoke up, "Well, I heard about 'The End' this morning at 5 am on 'The Cracked Egg' farm report show." (Wow, even more impressive. The Omegas were now haunting the tv air waves.)

Even with a mouthful of beans. I couldn't wait to ask, "So what is this particular 'End' you're talking about ? End of the World?"

"Of course," Harry replied, "What other End is worth talking about?"

"So, we've got two, maybe three years at best? What do the Omegas think we need to do with that time?"

"Why, spiritual enlightenment, and if we're lucky, some Soopie-Whoopie Shagah."

"Does this brochure tell you how to find those things?"

"No, but it does tell us how to have the Omegas tell us in person."

"Let me guess. Are the main ingredients in discovering the Divine Secrets of Ome-ga-ga Brotherhood such things as first-class airline tickets, excellent motel or hotel accommodations, and expensive red wine?"

"Hey, have you read the brochure before?"

THE END