Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Nick Neercassel: A Mid-Heaven Gathering

DON'T LOOK DOWN

How do you plan for an unplanned event? Well, if you're a Class II TPE and a ten year veteran, you don't. When it happens it happens. Still, some of us will use any excuse to meet and drink OM (Old Mid-Heaven). So that's why I'm at the latest unplanned Mid-Heaven Gathering. I'll attend a few of the lectures, pretend I'm listening, and then head for the Third Heaven Cafeteria kiosk on Cloud Nine. Some of the rookie TPEs may even actually take notes.

Hi, I'm Nick Neercassel and I'm a Theological Private Eye (TPE), i.e., I work for the Head Honcho of Heaven. The pay stinks, the hours are longgggg..., but there are perks. Such as attending these Mid-Heaven Gatherings.

Now you may ask, where exactly is Mid-Heaven? Well, friend, it's wherever you want it to be (see title of lecture below). It can be below ground, above ground, or even on the ground. The location isn't as important as the attitude and if you're looking for altitude, you might just find it. This latest Gathering just happens to be 12.2 miles above the Earth and let me tell you something, the view is outstanding, no matter in which direction you're looking (though I don't recommend looking down).

The lecture series sounded more interesting than usual. Here are a few examples to wet your whistle:

WHAT'S IN YOUR WULLET? THE NEWEST TRENDS IN WULLET TECHNOLOGY

SPIRIT-BASED TECHNOLOGY: IT'S WHEREVER YOU WANT IT TO BE

WHAT'S NEXT? PUTTING YOUR TPE EXPERIENCE TO WORK IN THE AFTERLIFE

YOUR SIN MAY BE PAID UP BUT YOU STILL HAVE A BILL AT THIRD HEAVEN CAFETERIA. TALK TO ONE OF OUR ASSOCIATES ABOUT AN INSTALLMENT PLAN. NO INTEREST CHARGED DUE TO USURY LAWS FOUND IN OLD TESTAMENT THAT ARE SURPRISINGLY STILL IN FORCE

WHERE DO YOU GO FROM HERE? DON'T ASK

A TPE CREDIT CARD: DON'T LEAVE EARTH WITHOUT IT

EONS. SCHMEONS. YOU'RE ONLY AS GOOD AS YOUR LAST ONE

I had some time to kill so I decided to wander around the lobby where some exhibitors were hawking their wares.

The first one I came to was one was with several large bottles of Welch's Grape Juice on the table. The pretty young lady standing behind the table asked, "Why don't you take a sip? You're not a red wine man, are you?"

"No, as a matter of fact, I'm very fond of Welch's Grape Juice. I usually keep a bottle of it back in the fridge at home."

"You not only look smart, you are smart."

The next table was set up for none other than Aztec Publishing Concern, and much to my surprise it was none other than Omega Jr. (OJ) manning it.

OJ actually seem relieved to see me.

"Hey, Mr. TPE, how you doing?"

"Not bad, OJ, how about you? Where are the other two Omegas?"

"That's a good question, Mr.TPE. I fell asleep at a tent revival in Cincinnati, and when I woke up the tent was gone as well as OO (Omega One) and 1A (Omega 1A)."

"How did you hook up with Aztec?"

"My second cousin first removed works for them and set me up for an interview. Apparently I did pretty well. They said I had a 'soul of a missionary'."

"Well, I'm happy for you, OJ. By the way, do you speak Aztec?"

"No, but who does?"

I wandered a little farther down the lobby where I got to the one lecture I'd been wanting to hear for over twenty years:

WHO WAS REALLY STEERING PILATE'S SHIP?

THE END


















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