Nick Neercassel and the Case of the Ledge at the Edge of the Abyss

The radio in my 67 Mustang was acting weirdly. It was early October and it was playing Christmas songs:

"In his 12th book of Christmas/ Monty Zephyr said to us/ It's actually alright to cuss"

I immediately turned the radio off and then back on. I tried a different station. The results were the same:

"In his 11th book of Christmas/ Monty Zephyr said to us/ ...."

I turned the radio off again and this time left it off. What was going on? And where was I by the way? I was driving on a two lane paved road with high trees on either side. I had the top down and the weather was rather pleasant; sunny and bright and warm. Judging by the position of the sun, it was sometime around mid-day. Then it came back to me. The last thing I remember was hurtling through space toward the moon in a contraption that was little more than a glorified tin can. Now I was back on Earth driving down an unnamed highway.

I guess it's time to re-introduce myself. I'm Nick Neercassel, your friendly but currently befuddled and bewildered TPE (Theological Private Eye). I solve cases for the Lord but I usually know where I am and where I'm going. This time I didn't have the luxury of either.

Part II

Since there were no side roads as far as I could tell, I figured I only had two choices: either turn around and go back from where I came (wherever that was) or keep going straight ahead. Both destinations were a mystery. I decided to keep going straight ahead. Funny thing though, the gas gauge stayed on full no matter how many miles I traveled.

I know what you're thinking. Why doesn't Neercassel take out his celestial cell phone and call Third Heaven Central? Why doesn't he use his GPS (God Positioning System)? The answer is simple. Neither one was in my possession. And please don't ask what happened to them. I simply don't know.

Verging on a sense of desperation, I tried the car radio again. This time it wasn't a song by Monty Zephyr but Monty Zephyr himself:

"Hello, friends and lovers of the truth! This is Monty Zephyr coming at you from my studio at the Shagah Cafe in St. George, South Carolina. I've got some wonderful news for you loyal listeners. My latest book, 'Tarnished Treasures' which is actually my 12th book of Christmas, is now in book stores everywhere, and I mean everywhere! "

I quickly turned the radio off yet again. I seemed to be in the midst of a nightmare. Was I still in the dimensional plane of an Atonal Reality (AR) or had I passed over into another hupostasis?

Part III

I kept going straight. Nothing appeared to change. The trees remained high on either side and the sun didn't move in the sky. Tentatively, I turned the radio on yet one more time.

"Hello, fellow humans and those who are overly fond of verisimilitude. This is the Great Gabster, himself, W. Scott Fitztaylor, bringing you the radio show that has no peers and could only be made by yours truly: 'My Mind is Its Own Paradigm.'"

W. Scott Fitztaylor! We had met in an earlier Nick Neercassel adventure but then, if I remember correctly, he did all the talking. We all might as well be quiet and listen for a while.

"The last thing God wants to do is to control someone."

"Finite in mind, infinite in spirit."

"Bounded by the iron law of the nature of reality."

"I met Plato's perfect horse at a reception for formidable Bible scholars. Since he was perfect, it goes without saying he was polite and unassuming."

"Every story is a story about what might have been or what could have been or even...what was."

"We are on the horns of a polylemma."

"If we live in a pre-determined universe, where every action is absolutely necessary for every subsequent action, then everyone's life has meaning, whether or not they believe in God. On the other hand, if we live in a non-deterministic universe, where in effect each one of us is tossed out on a raging sea without a life preserver, then life can only have meaning if there is a God."

"But in a deterministic universe where God can manipulate every event ahead of time, why would he ever feel the need to portray himself as a liar?"

"Under the rules of reality, what are the ultimate limits of an individual being?"

"The concept that God has already planned the entire sweep of time, from the beginning to the end, is really just a way of justifying one's life."

"It stands to reason if God planned every future action from point Alpha to point Omega, he would have to include himself in the planning."

"After a while, at some point, belief becomes a matter of preference rather than a matter of proof."

Part IV

More strangeness. I had been traveling for what seemed like hours yet I was neither hungry nor thirsty. Nor was I tired or sleepy. I seemed to be existing in a state of minimal flux. The only thing moving was the car and it was going down a highway that apparently had no end.

Then it ended.

And the end was rather spectacular. The trees had disappeared and the car had quit moving. Two large creatures (each about fifty feet high) with humanoid features were facing each on a barren plain. Just beyond them the land just stopped or to put it more accurately, it just dropped. It was the Grand Canyon to the nth degree.

Both creatures were bloodied and beaten. Neither one appeared to have an advantage. I was too small and insignificant to be of any interest to them. I reveled in my insignificance. I thought about running but the sight was too mesmerizing and I watched in stunned amazement.

Out of  my deep subconscious a thought suddenly appeared: his enemy had never known defeat and to defeat his enemy he might have to be defeated himself.

He had a choice. We all do. Some of us pretend we don't. That way we don't have to take responsibility for the evil that we do.

And then they were falling, both of them together, grasping each other in a death grip, off the cliff, into the abyss.

My legs came back to life and I ran to the edge of the cliff to see what I could see and when I looked over I couldn't believe my eyes. Below me about thirty feet or so there was a ledge and on the ledge were a throng of living human beings.

Part V

The shame of it all there was nothing I could do. The wall of the cliff was sheer and then I remembered the car and ran back to it. I opened the trunk and lo and behold there was a long rope at least forty feet in length. I immediately drove to the edge of the cliff where I turned the car around and backed as close as I could to the edge. I then jumped out of the car and attached one end of the rope to the back bumper. After doing so, I threw the other end down to the people below. 

"I can bring you up one at a time!" I shouted down.

But no one grabbed the rope. They seemed resigned to their fate. I couldn't believe it.

"I can save you but you'll have to grab on to the rope and trust me as I pull you up."

Finally, one intrepid soul stepped up and put her hands firmly around the end of the rope. I put the car in drive and slowly drove forward.

Eventually everyone was saved.

THE END

Tommy Tubebacher and the Element of Time

It was just a matter of time. The experts knew that if you were at the bottom of the world and you wanted to build a building that reached the sky you would start at the top and go to the bottom. Along the way all the pieces would fit in perfect harmony and if you had the misfortune of going upward while construction was taking place you would often find yourself in the perilous position of being upside down in a world that was downside up.

Now when did time become an element that could be easily defined by an atomic number? Something that could be neatly compartmentalized and folded much like you would a large rug that you bought at a discount store and took home in the back of a family-friendly station wagon?

Well, it happened at the only time it could have happened: at the end of time. Because for time to unroll in a fairly symmetrical fashion, there could be no loose ends or random events loosely hanging around in a universe that was as old as,... well, as old as the universe. Thankfully, time was slightly tilted but the tilt was away from the end and toward the beginning so time had no choice but to go backward.

Now no one really understood this until the Earth year 2098 AD. That year Tommy Tubebacher of the state of Saskatchewan of the United States of North America turned 22 years old. Turning 22 is not that big a deal normally (the age of 21 usually generated more excitement) but in Tommy's case it finally dawned on him that he was going backward in time. He had been so busy getting on with the daily necessities of living he had never taken the time to notice that every year he got older the year it happened was actually the year before the last one but for some reason it occurred to him in the year 2098 it should be the year 2142. It hit him like a thunderbolt but he couldn't deny the reality of what was happening to him. He was now the contemporary of his parents and soon they would vanish from his on-going reality.

So Tommy knew his future but he didn't know his past. The future was set in reinforced concrete and could not be changed. The past on the other hand was open to various possibilities, extrapolations, and interpretations. The past was malleable and fluid. All Tommy had to do was ride the current of time and at some point he would reach the beginning of time. But the beginning would also be the end just as the end was the beginning.

THE END

Hey Jude

It's 56 A.D. and things are a'stirring in Jerusalem. The Foxhole News is reporting strange happenings in and around the Mediterranean. Prime Time (any time other than the Sabbath) is dominated by the new media darling, Ben O'David, who sets up his interview table every evening (except the Sabbath) about a block to the east of the Temple. It's called the O'David Reactor and the crowds are growing nightly. The night before some poor wretch who was trying to find an advantageous spot to hear what was going on fell 12 feet from an adjoining wall. He didn't survive the fall but that hasn't deterred another poor wretch from locating in the same spot. Let's hope the same fate doesn't befall him.

O'David's guest tonight is Jude, one of the new sect called Christians that are proliferating in Hellenized Judea. Jude has just written a rather short, fiery epistle that has the town buzzing. O'David, who simply claims that he's just "looking out for the folks", plans to grill Jude on what O'David calls "Jude's outlandish statements and shibboleths".

BO: Welcome to the Reactor, Mr. Jude.

JUDE: Thank you, Mr. O'David, and Shalom and all that.

BO: The Reactor staff did a little background check on you and found out your real name is Judas. Any particular reason you go by the name Jude instead?

JUDE: That's pretty obvious, isn't it? No Christian wants to be called a Judas.

BO: Good point. Now let's get straight to this latest publication of yours. It's only been out a week and it's already on the Damascus Times Best Seller List. I have to say I'm impressed. My latest book, 'Killing Caesar as Well as the Next Caesar as Well as the Next Caesar and So On' took at least two weeks to make the list.

JUDE: I'm very humbled by it all. And, of course, all the glory goes to God.

BO: You say you are humble but yet you don't mind taking a pretty large swipe at the folks. You call them irreverent and wanton. You accuse them of prostitution and lying and defiling the flesh. Pretty harsh words, wouldn't you say Mr. Jude?

A loud boo went out among the crowd.

JUDE: I call 'em like I see 'em.

BO: Hey, that's my line.

JUDE: I thought you might appreciate it. Look here, BO, I don't have time to be a wallflower. This nation, this group of people, is flirting with disaster. Somebody has to call a spade a spade.

BO: How about that fellow - what's his name? Saul or Paul or something like that.

JUDE: He's an OK guy. But he's teaching a slightly different message.

BO: Oh, you mean the Gentiles.

JUDE: That's right. They don't have a lot going for them. We Jews have the oracles of God, etc. and God just expects a little bit  more out of us.

Another loud boo went out from the crowd.

BO: Hey, Jude! I don't think you're playing too well with the folks.

JUDE: Do I seek to please God or men?

BO: That's rhetorical, right?

JUDE: I'm not a politician. I'm a prophet. I speak truth not rhetoric. But you know what, BO, these people are my friends, my relatives, and my countrymen. If I don't try to get them to repent and change their evil ways, who will?

BO: What are you predicting?

JUDE: I got this funny feeling these knuckleheads will keep on going the wrong way. Who knows, in fifteen years or so, the Romans might just bring the whole thing down.

The loudest boo yet went up from the throng.

BO: You're one tough little unleavened cookie. I'll have to hand you that.

JUDE: Thanks, BO. I'm just looking out for the folks.

BO: That's it for the Reactor, folks. See you tomorrow night.

THE END

Mabel and the Highway That Never Ends

Montgomery Zephyr was in a funk. He was on the wrong side of fifty and as he sat on a stool in Jerry's Place in the small town of St. George, South Carolina he wondered if his depression was of the more permanent sort.

"What'll you have, honey?"

Montgomery, whose elbows were on the counter and whose head was buried in his hands, slowly looked up. What he saw surprised him.

"Call me Monty."

"Call me Mabel. Now what you'll have?"

"A turkey club and decaf."

Mabel poured Monty a cup of coffee. "What brings you to our little oasis?"

"I'm a writer in search of a plot."

"A bad case of writer's block? Well, honey, I sure don't know what you hope to find in St. George. We have trouble keeping the drain lines free and clear."

"Not that kind of a plot. I'm looking for a piece of ground where I can lay my weary bones once this earthly existence has concluded its human sojourn."

"But why of all places St. George?"

"It's close enough to the ocean that in a few thousand years or so, the ground where I'll be interred will merge with the more primal aspects of reality. I'll be one again with the cosmos."

Mabel looked skeptical but didn't say anything. Monty's order was ready and as she went to pick up the turkey club she tried to think of something that might cheer Monty up.

She placed the plate on the counter. "Have you heard of God in the Bubble?"

"Who hasn't?" Monty took a bite of the sandwich and washed it down with some coffee. "But what's that got to do with anything?"

"He's just down the street."

Monty's turkey club fell out of his hands and fell with a undignified plop to the plate below. 

"What's he doing here in St. George?"

"He's here for a chess tournament. You can find him at 1997 Kramer Avenue. Turn right when you go out the front door."

For the first time in years, Monty felt like life was worth living again. He gobbled down what remained of the turkey sandwich, finished off a second cup of coffee, left Mabel a big tip, then went running out the door. Mabel shouted after him. "And never forget Monty. You're traveling the highway that never ends!"

THE END

The UR Blues

Used to be my message was unique

I could count on regular donations every week

But now the whole world is getting the news

And now I got the Universal Reconciliation Blues

Yea, the worldwide media is making sure the word is spread

God’s going to save everyone, even the evil, nasty dead

Oh yea, the whole world is getting the news

And now I got the Universal Reconciliation Blues

Looks like I’ll need a new vocation

Maybe a sex therapist or night club singer

I love the ladies and I've got a good voice

I’m always ready to zap you with a good zinger

Used to be people would pay to hear me talk

Now it seems they prefer I go for a long, long walk

Oh yea, the whole world is getting the news

And now I got the Universal Reconciliation Blues

You’d think I’d be happy that everyone will be saved

But you must realize it cuts into my income streams

Cause people lose their sense of urgency and fears

When they have no nightmares only sweet dreams

Used to be I had quite a following of fans

They would listen even when they didn’t understand

But now the whole world is getting the news

And now I got the Universal Reconciliation Blues

An Insider's Look at the Big Three's Working Relationship

Excerpt from Nick Neercassel: The Novel

If you’re standing on a clear night in the Mojave Desert and you’re about a mile from any road or highway and you look up into the sky in the direction of the North Star, and if you imagine you could actually see another 3 million light years or so beyond the North Star, you might see another star; a large yellow one burning brightly. And you might see in the halo of that star the outlines of two figures that appear to be having a casual conversation:

“No luck, eh, in the XM11115987 Galaxy?”

“Nothing. Just like in the 17,234 galaxies I’ve searched previously.”

“Same here. You know I miss the old fellow. He was never actually there with us because he was everywhere but he was the kind of fellow that was always there when you needed him even when he wasn’t. If you know what I mean.”

“He could be funny when he wanted to be. I especially liked the times when he called himself THE ODD GOD OUT. He’d asked, 'Why am I always mentioned last? Why is it always the Boss, BJ, and The Ghost? Why couldn’t it sometimes be The Boss, The Ghost, and BJ or better yet The Ghost, the Boss and BJ?'”

“And then he’d sometimes complain that you got to sit at my right hand while he, always having to be everywhere, never had the chance to be just somewhere. But you know, he never let his gripes interfere with or negatively affect the quality of his work.”

“How true.”

“But let’s be serious for a moment. Our decision making process is in shambles. Contrary to some thinking we did not plan out everything billions of years ago; too much trouble and besides there’s no fun in that. Much more fun to make decisions on an as needed basis and for that we had devised (after billions of years of trying) a pretty darn good system. On any issue I would let you two vote first. If you two agreed we’d go ahead with that plan. If you two disagreed, I would cast the deciding vote. Simple? Yes, but highly effective. Now that we’re down to two, the decision making process is much tougher. I don’t like pulling rank but there may be times I’ll have to and it’ll be a miracle if our relationship isn’t strained in the process.”

“We need him back in the triangle to make this thing work like it should.”

“That means we keep looking.”

“Let’s meet again after diligently scouring at least 20,000 galaxies each. We need to pick up the pace. No more star gazing.”

THE END