The game is now over. It’s
midnight and I’ve been sitting for the past six hours in a dark and dank college
bar on the edge of the campus. In that time I’ve had about ten Old Milwaukees
(Shagah Lite won’t be on the market for 52 years). Since OM is nothing more than
slightly alcoholic colored water I am totally sober. I needed to be so I could
digest what I had seen and heard in the afternoon. It’s a good thing I couldn’t
call the Third Heaven or a fellow TPE. No would have believed me. They would
have thought I was drunk. And they may have been right. I wonder. Did the Aggie
bartender spike the OM?
In an effort to remain
coherent, I am going to simply list what I learned. Since, as far as I know, I
am the only person from 2011 now living in 1959 (well, in this particular and
peculiar 1959) I have no witnesses that I can ask to corroborate these
assertions. Either simply believe me or simply don’t. I would wash my hands of
it if I could but there’s no soap in the bathroom.
Here in no particular order
is the game of ‘College Football’ as it was played on June 12, 1959 in College
Station, Texas:
1. Entrance to the game is
free because a collection plate is passed around at
halftime.
2. Also, at halftime, a band
plays and a chorus sings ‘A Mighty Fortress is Our Football’ while little bits
of beef brisket and tiny cups of Shiner beer are passed around to all the
players, coaches, school officials, game officials, press members, students and
spectators.
3. When a player is headed
for a touchdown, he is said to be ‘Glory Bound’.
4. The coach of the Aggies is
named Herbert W. Armstrong. The QB is his son, Garner Ted.
5. The games are played on
Saturday because, according to Armstrong, if there was a God, he would have
wanted them to play on that day because it was God’s Play
Day.
6. Penalties, such as off
sides or holding, are called sins. If a player commits a sin, he has to ask
forgiveness from the game official who called the sin. The game official
subjectively decides whether or not to forgive the sin. If he does not, the team
with the sinner has to pay a tithe (ten yard penalty).
7. Football is played year
round. All other sports are banned. The young man did turn me in and I was
accused of blasphemy and threatened with excommunication. When they found out I
just passing through they let me go with a warning.
8. A huddle is called a
Prayer Circle.
9. What I know as a ‘Hail
Mary’ pass they call a ‘Hail Darwin.’
10. Madeline O’Hare is the
Commissioner of the Texas Football Synod.
11. ‘Getting to the Promised
Land’ means going to the Cotton Bowl on New Year’s Day.
12. An ‘Altar Call’ is when
fans storm the field once the game is over.
I could go on but I think you
get the drift.
THE END
