Ohio
did hold a few memories for me though. It was the scene of my first encounter
with a Tappdancer. For theological neophytes in the reading audience, a
Tappdancer believes that life is both absolute and relative. I don’t want to get
too bogged down in details, but suffice to say the absolute/relative viewpoint
is one that answers all your questions. If you don’t believe me, just ask a
Tappdancer.
I
suppose I should explain the derivation of the term Tappdancer. Tappdancers were
followers of the late Alonzo Von Tapp, founder of the Aztec Publishing Concern
located in Southern California. Von Tapp was the first and last man to translate
the Greek New Testament into Aztec. When asked why he did such a thing, he
replied, “If I don’t do it, who will?”
***
I
had just crossed the Rockies when the cell phone went off.
“Is
this Nick Neercassel, Thelological Private Eye?”
“Speaking.”
“Hey,
Nick, don’t you recognize my voice? It’s your old buddy, Sony
Allsurethinger.”
I
don’t know about the old buddy part but I knew who it was. Sony was on the Board
of Trustees at the Aztec Publishing Concern in Desert Country, California. We
had crossed paths in 'THE CASE OF THE MARTIN LUTHER DOPPELGANGER'.
“What’s
up, Sony?”
“We
heard you were on your way to California.”
I
wasn’t surprised he knew my whereabouts. The Tappdancers had a network of agents
all across the continent.
“That’s
true. Hollywood, to be exact.”
“How
about stopping off at the Concern first? We have some information that might be
germane to your case.”
Sony
hung up.
Ok,
a slight change in plans. So what. The investigation business is one of twists
and turns. Oftentimes you just had to go with the flow. Something smelled like
Denmark though and I was thinking hard, real hard, about this latest turn of
events. What did the Tappdancers know and how did they know it? I thought they
were friends with the Shagahs but Sony’s tone hinted at betrayal. Was Mr. Shagah
up to no good? And was it no good in an absolute sense or a relative sense? One
thing was certain. It wasn’t in a common sense.
I
spent the whole night and the next day driving and arrived at the Concern at 5
pm. As I drove through the gate of the Concern, there was a rundown feeling to
the buildings that had not been perceptible in my earlier visits. I actually saw
a coyote running through the strand of cottonwood trees in the eastern section
of the compound and as the sun set over an ocean that I could not see, only
visualize in the broadest of terms, I realized with a touch of melancholy, that
I had traversed a continent, yet was no closer to my real
destination.
Sony
welcomed me at the door and led me to the Board Room where in the Absolute Chair
sat D.G. Leary and in the Relative Chair sat Stephen Tyler (not the one from
Aerosmith and American Idol). Sony asked me to sit at one end of the table while
he sat at the other end in careful balance between the Absolute and the
Relative.
Sony
spoke, “Thanks, Nick, we really appreciate you stopping by.”
“How
did you know I was in the neighborhood?”
“Lance
Straightpoint told us.”
I
was a little taken aback. “Straightpoint is working for you?” Lance
Straightpoint had been one of the most celebrated TPEs in the business before
losing his license as well as his religion in 'THE CASE OF THE ANCIENT ROCK
STARS.'
“He
was freelancing, so to speak. Get it? Ha Ha” No one laughed harder at his own
jokes than Sony.
I
hadn’t slept in 36 hours so it was rather hard for me to be amused. “Alright,
why don’t you get straight to the point? Ha Ha.” My laughter was sardonic in
nature as well as sarcastic.
“I
hear you, Nick. We here at the Concern are concerned. We believe the Shagahs are
in cahoots with the Polygamists to take over the Concern.”
Now
I had to really laugh. “What the heck are you talking about? Why would the
Shagahs, who are on the verge of a big Hollywood deal, want this rundown
place?”
Stephen
Tyler (who was not from Aerosmith or American Idol) spoke up: “You’re looking at
this place from the relative viewpoint…” and Leary jumped in, “But you should be
looking at it from the absolute perspective.”
“Which
is?”
Sony
then replied, “We’ve got gas.”
“We’ve
all got gas,” I replied, “but what’s that got to do with this case?”
“No,
not that kind; it’s the natural kind that’s found underground. The Concern is
sitting on a fortune.”
A
TPE is tempted by many things but money is not one of them. However, since this
supposedly had something to do with the Shagahs I felt I had to listen to what
the Tappdancers had to say.
“But
Mr. Shagah is right now in Hollywood on the verge of making a Hollywood deal
worth millions.” I said.
Sony
replied, “That’s all a ruse. Actually, he’s holed up in the law offices of the
Clampett Brothers in Beverly Hills, deviously devising plans to legally declare
us mentally incompetent.”
May
not be that big a stretch; a thought I thought but did not vocalize.
“I
guess Straightpoint told you all this.”
“Yes,
he’s posing as a paralegal in the law firm. They liked the fact that he was born
in the Ozarks.”
“Does
Lance know how they plan to proceed against you?”
“They
plan to call us Idle Babblers and say ever since Mr. Von Tapp died we’ve allowed
the place to deteriorate.”
“But
that’s true, isn’t it?”
“Well,
yes, but if we can hang on long enough to reap the natural gas profits, we’ll be
able to renovate the place. Old Man Von Tapp would be pleased. If he was still
alive, of course.” ( Lance told me later that the Concern’s new found wealth
also meant opening a new branch in Oahu.)
“But
you also mentioned that the Polygamists were involved in all this. How
so?”
“They’re
bankrolling the Shagahs.”
“Why
in the world would they do that?”
“Because
the Shagahs really own Shegah and because Shegah produces runaways, and because
the Polygamists are naturally interested in increasing female supply, they saw
an opportunity and they seized it by cutting a deal with the Shagahs. It’s
really very simple. The Shagahs produce Runaway Shegahs and the Polygamists make
a home for them.”
“Both
Regular and Predestined?”
“Of
course.”
“Where
are these Polygamists located?”
“Somewhere
in the Alleghenies.”
I
stood up. It was time to go but this time I was headed east.
“Where
are you going?” cried out Sony, “We need your help!”
“Sorry,
Tappdancers, I’m already on assignment. Lance, though world weary, a little seedy
and currently a non-licensed TPE , is still a good investigator. You can count
on him.”
And
with that, I was out the door, and back in the Flying Belt.
THE END
