Tapp Dancing

Ohio did hold a few memories for me though. It was the scene of my first encounter with a Tappdancer. For theological neophytes in the reading audience, a Tappdancer believes that life is both absolute and relative. I don’t want to get too bogged down in details, but suffice to say the absolute/relative viewpoint is one that answers all your questions. If you don’t believe me, just ask a Tappdancer.

I suppose I should explain the derivation of the term Tappdancer. Tappdancers were followers of the late Alonzo Von Tapp, founder of the Aztec Publishing Concern located in Southern California. Von Tapp was the first and last man to translate the Greek New Testament into Aztec. When asked why he did such a thing, he replied, “If I don’t do it, who will?”

***

I had just crossed the Rockies when the cell phone went off.

“Is this Nick Neercassel, Thelological Private Eye?”

“Speaking.”

“Hey, Nick, don’t you recognize my voice? It’s your old buddy, Sony Allsurethinger.”

I don’t know about the old buddy part but I knew who it was. Sony was on the Board of Trustees at the Aztec Publishing Concern in Desert Country, California. We had crossed paths in 'THE CASE OF THE MARTIN LUTHER DOPPELGANGER'.

“What’s up, Sony?”

“We heard you were on your way to California.”

I wasn’t surprised he knew my whereabouts. The Tappdancers had a network of agents all across the continent.

“That’s true. Hollywood, to be exact.”

“How about stopping off at the Concern first? We have some information that might be germane to your case.”

Sony hung up.

Ok, a slight change in plans. So what. The investigation business is one of twists and turns. Oftentimes you just had to go with the flow. Something smelled like Denmark though and I was thinking hard, real hard, about this latest turn of events. What did the Tappdancers know and how did they know it? I thought they were friends with the Shagahs but Sony’s tone hinted at betrayal. Was Mr. Shagah up to no good? And was it no good in an absolute sense or a relative sense? One thing was certain. It wasn’t in a common sense.

I spent the whole night and the next day driving and arrived at the Concern at 5 pm. As I drove through the gate of the Concern, there was a rundown feeling to the buildings that had not been perceptible in my earlier visits. I actually saw a coyote running through the strand of cottonwood trees in the eastern section of the compound and as the sun set over an ocean that I could not see, only visualize in the broadest of terms, I realized with a touch of melancholy, that I had traversed a continent, yet was no closer to my real destination.

Sony welcomed me at the door and led me to the Board Room where in the Absolute Chair sat D.G. Leary and in the Relative Chair sat Stephen Tyler (not the one from Aerosmith and American Idol). Sony asked me to sit at one end of the table while he sat at the other end in careful balance between the Absolute and the Relative.

Sony spoke, “Thanks, Nick, we really appreciate you stopping by.”

“How did you know I was in the neighborhood?”

“Lance Straightpoint told us.”

I was a little taken aback. “Straightpoint is working for you?” Lance Straightpoint had been one of the most celebrated TPEs in the business before losing his license as well as his religion in 'THE CASE OF THE ANCIENT ROCK STARS.'

 “He was freelancing, so to speak. Get it? Ha Ha” No one laughed harder at his own jokes than Sony.

I hadn’t slept in 36 hours so it was rather hard for me to be amused. “Alright, why don’t you get straight to the point? Ha Ha.” My laughter was sardonic in nature as well as sarcastic.

“I hear you, Nick. We here at the Concern are concerned. We believe the Shagahs are in cahoots with the Polygamists to take over the Concern.”

Now I had to really laugh. “What the heck are you talking about? Why would the Shagahs, who are on the verge of a big Hollywood deal, want this rundown place?”

Stephen Tyler (who was not from Aerosmith or American Idol) spoke up: “You’re looking at this place from the relative viewpoint…” and Leary jumped in, “But you should be looking at it from the absolute perspective.”

“Which is?”

Sony then replied, “We’ve got gas.”

“We’ve all got gas,” I replied, “but what’s that got to do with this case?”

“No, not that kind; it’s the natural kind that’s found underground. The Concern is sitting on a fortune.”

A TPE is tempted by many things but money is not one of them. However, since this supposedly had something to do with the Shagahs I felt I had to listen to what the Tappdancers had to say.

“But Mr. Shagah is right now in Hollywood on the verge of making a Hollywood deal worth millions.” I said.

Sony replied, “That’s all a ruse. Actually, he’s holed up in the law offices of the Clampett Brothers in Beverly Hills, deviously devising plans to legally declare us mentally incompetent.”

May not be that big a stretch; a thought I thought but did not vocalize.

“I guess Straightpoint told you all this.”

“Yes, he’s posing as a paralegal in the law firm. They liked the fact that he was born in the Ozarks.”

“Does Lance know how they plan to proceed against you?”

“They plan to call us Idle Babblers and say ever since Mr. Von Tapp died we’ve allowed the place to deteriorate.”

“But that’s true, isn’t it?”

“Well, yes, but if we can hang on long enough to reap the natural gas profits, we’ll be able to renovate the place. Old Man Von Tapp would be pleased. If he was still alive, of course.” ( Lance told me later that the Concern’s new found wealth also meant opening a new branch in Oahu.)

“But you also mentioned that the Polygamists were involved in all this. How so?”

“They’re bankrolling the Shagahs.”

“Why in the world would they do that?”

“Because the Shagahs really own Shegah and because Shegah produces runaways, and because the Polygamists are naturally interested in increasing female supply, they saw an opportunity and they seized it by cutting a deal with the Shagahs. It’s really very simple. The Shagahs produce Runaway Shegahs and the Polygamists make a home for them.”

“Both Regular and Predestined?”

“Of course.”

“Where are these Polygamists located?”

“Somewhere in the Alleghenies.”

I stood up. It was time to go but this time I was headed east.

“Where are you going?” cried out Sony, “We need your help!”

“Sorry, Tappdancers, I’m already on assignment. Lance, though world weary, a little seedy and currently a non-licensed TPE , is still a good investigator. You can count on him.”

And with that, I was out the door, and back in the Flying Belt.

THE END