Nick Neercassel and the Dark Side of the Moon

Space is the Place for Your Helpful TPE Man

As it turned out, Dala was a pretty darn good pilot. She guided the tin can, I mean spacecraft, Lunar Albatross, rather expertly out of the Terran atmosphere. Once there, we only had about a quarter of a million miles to go.

Hello there. I'm Nick Neercassel, Theological Private Eye (TPE), i.e., I work for the Admiral of Andromeda. The pay is bad (when's the last time I got paid, by the way?), the hours are abominable, but they say we win the postseason games every time.

Once the gravitational forces pressing against every inch of my body began receding, I posed a question to Professor Zukuni.

"Tell me, Prof, what do you think our chances are in rescuing Sir Alexander Thomson?"

"Well, Mick..."

"It's Nick."

"Oh, yes, Nick. If my calculations are correct, we've got a snowball's chance in hell."

Well, at least my math was still pretty good. I was in full agreement with the Professor.

I took a look through the porthole and saw a lot of blackness punctuated by many points of light. I asked Dala, "How long before we get to our destination?"

"16 hours and 32 minutes." Dala was both pretty and efficient.

"Good, " said Dr. Zukuni, "that'll give me time, hopefully, to finish filling out the LA Instutute's IRS request form for tax exempt status."

"I thought you only did scientific work."

"We're short handed, and Claude thought the darkness and solitude of space would be good for my concentration. Hey, Vic, would you mind helping out?"

"It's Nick and I suppose so." It's not like I could step outside and go for a walk.

Great. Not only do I get to risk my life in the vacuum of Space but I also get to fill out an IRS tax form. Is there no place beyond the reach of the IRS?

"What's the first question, Prof?"

"What did you pray for on August 6, 1989? Was it the Lord's Prayer? When you said 'Thy Kingdom Come', were you contemplating overthrowing the United States Government?"

"Let's skip that one. How about number two?"

"We have an eyewitness in Federal custody who says she saw you cutting the neighbor's grass on July 10, 1965. She also saw the neighbor pay you $10.00 cash for doing it. The IRS has no record of you paying federal tax on that $10.00. How do you explain that?"

"Number three."

"Your jokes about how inefficient the Federal Government is, in our opinion, not funny. Are you willing to do penance by walking across Death Valley while reading Geofredo Denzer's latest theofiction?"

"Now that's possible."

Prof. Zukuni said, "Since we skipped a couple of questions we may have to do the assignment for Bonus Points."

"And what might that be?"

"Write a confession of at least 1200 words describing the ways your thinking has been flawed, ignorant, and dangerous over the course of your life. "

"That should be easy. I'm living that thinking right now."

THE END