That Goal Time Religion!

The game is now over. It’s midnight and I’ve been sitting for the past six hours in a dark and dank college bar on the edge of the campus. In that time I’ve had about ten Old Milwaukees (Shagah Lite won’t be on the market for 52 years). Since OM is nothing more than slightly alcoholic colored water I am totally sober. I needed to be so I could digest what I had seen and heard in the afternoon. It’s a good thing I couldn’t call the Third Heaven or a fellow TPE. No would have believed me. They would have thought I was drunk. And they may have been right. I wonder. Did the Aggie bartender spike the OM?

In an effort to remain coherent, I am going to simply list what I learned. Since, as far as I know, I am the only person from 2011 now living in 1959 (well, in this particular and peculiar 1959) I have no witnesses that I can ask to corroborate these assertions. Either simply believe me or simply don’t. I would wash my hands of it if I could but there’s no soap in the bathroom.

Here in no particular order is the game of ‘College Football’ as it was played on June 12, 1959 in College Station, Texas:

1. Entrance to the game is free because a collection plate is passed around at halftime.

2. Also, at halftime, a band plays and a chorus sings ‘A Mighty Fortress is Our Football’ while little bits of beef brisket and tiny cups of Shiner beer are passed around to all the players, coaches, school officials, game officials, press members, students and spectators.

3. When a player is headed for a touchdown, he is said to be ‘Glory Bound’.

4. The coach of the Aggies is named Herbert W. Armstrong. The QB is his son, Garner Ted.

5. The games are played on Saturday because, according to Armstrong, if there was a God, he would have wanted them to play on that day because it was God’s Play Day.

6. Penalties, such as off sides or holding, are called sins. If a player commits a sin, he has to ask forgiveness from the game official who called the sin. The game official subjectively decides whether or not to forgive the sin. If he does not, the team with the sinner has to pay a tithe (ten yard penalty).

7. Football is played year round. All other sports are banned. The young man did turn me in and I was accused of blasphemy and threatened with excommunication. When they found out I just passing through they let me go with a warning.

8. A huddle is called a Prayer Circle.

9. What I know as a ‘Hail Mary’ pass they call a ‘Hail Darwin.’

10. Madeline O’Hare is the Commissioner of the Texas Football Synod.

11. ‘Getting to the Promised Land’ means going to the Cotton Bowl on New Year’s Day.

12. An ‘Altar Call’ is when fans storm the field once the game is over.

I could go on but I think you get the drift.

THE END