Nick Neercassel and a Dog Named Grace

Desert Interlude

I seemed to be lost in a wilderness: a wilderness of corrugated cacti and tumbling tumbleweeds. My last case (or should I say pseudo-case) took me all the way to Tuscon, Arizona. Now I was headed back. But back to where?

Hi, my name is Nick Neercassel, Theological Private Eye (TPE), i.e., I work for the Big CEO in the Sky.The pay is measly, the hours are ridiculous, but the retirement package is more than adequate.

I'm leisurely taking the back roads from Tuscon to El Paso. Why be in a hurry to get back home to Goodsite, South Carolina? At any moment, the celestial (i.e., my celestial cell phone; the method by which I get my assignments from Third Heaven Central) could ring and I could be headed in an entirely different direction. But so far so good. The celestial has been silent for a couple of days and I'm finding March weather in the desert to be quite congenial. I'm driving a 67 Mustang convertible. The top is down and the wilderness that surrounds me seems downright hospitable. I'm not really lost but I don't plan to tell anyone I'm not.
I'm in an area untainted by commercial America. Even the road is barely paved and with just a nudge or two from Mother Nature, it could revert to a more primitive form. I decide to listen to the radio. And lo and behold, it's none other than the famous (or is that infamous) radio evangelist,  Sir William Worldwide.

I've never had the good fortune to deal with Reverend Worldwide but some of my fellow TPEs have. All I knew about Worldwide is what I gleaned at our annual TPE get togethers. Worldwide was apparently one of the more effective religious hucksters on the air waves and had managed to so far avoid the more egregious ways of being exposed as a huckster (such as embezzlement, fornication, etc.). If such practices were a part of his routine business dealings, he had found a successful way to conceal them. Only time would tell if he could continue to keep his pockets empty and his pants zipped. I decided to see what old Worldwide was saying today:

"Yes, friends, just remember that saving money won't save you! You need to support this worldwide ministry with your wallet. Let me tell you about a friend of this ministry. His name is Severe Travasar and he puts his money where his mouth is and his mouth is telling people that Reverend William Worldwide will lead them to God. Because of folks like Severe, we can record shows that will reach people all over the world! "


"But it won't be easy, friends. That old tail-buster, Satan himself, is out to get us and he's working fiendishly hard to put a stop to this great work, which I humbly submit, is the most important work being done today on earth. If you don't believe me, just ask my lovely assistant, Veronica. Veronica, what say you?"

"I'm saying Sir William that Jesus loves you and he loves me and he loves everybody, especially those who are right now on the phone with one of our credit associates pledging all they can to our great ministry!"

"Oh, so wonderful, Veronica! You bless an old man's heart. Now, friends, there are many doors that we need to open but to open them we need a mess of keys and those keys cost money! Remember, saving your money won't save you! Take it out of that savings account and send it to The Sir William Worldwide Worldwide Ministry..."

I turned off the radio. Sir William was still in fine form.

My tank was still about half full but not knowing how far it was before the next gas station, I decided to stop at a place called Stony's Aztec Gas & Grill. I pulled in by the self-service gas tank, got out of the car and wiped the desert dust off my clothes. I filled up the gas tank with my TPE credit card and then went into Stony's to buy some cold water. Luckily, Stony had my favorite bottled water: OM (Old Milwaukee).

As I was paying for the water, I noticed that the attendent looked familiar. Utilizing my TPE instincts, I asked him, "Are you the Stony of Stony's Aztec Gas & Grill?"


"Who else would I be?"

"You remind me of someone. Have you heard of Aztec Publishing Concern?"

"My brother works there."

"Is your brother Sony Allsurethinger?"

Stony looked at me suspiciously then his eyes opened in recognition. "You must be a Theological Private Eye!"

I laughed. "Guilty as charged. Hi, Stony, my name is Nick Neercassel. Please call me Nick."

"Hello, Nick, what brings you out to boonies? Working on some great theological mystery?"

"No, no cases at the moment. Just finished one in Tuscon. I'm headed back to South Carolina. Hey, didn't you also use to work at the Aztec Publishing Concern?"

Stony's expression suddenly turn sour. "I was Vice-President in charge of translating Chapter 9 of the Book of Hosea from Hebrew to Aztec. About two years ago, I reported to work one morning and discovered that my key no longer opened my office door. When I went to see the President, he informed me I had been transferred to the missionary division."

"Missionary work is important." I tried to sound convincing. I then glanced over Stony's shoulder to the shelf directly behind him. On the shelf were about 25 books, all of them the Aztec New Testament.

Stony wasn't convinced. "I've sold exactly three Aztec New Testaments in the two years I've been here and two of those were to an actor who was on his way to Hollywood and who was scheduled to play Montenzuma in a new movie called 'Montezuma's Revenge.'"

"If you're dissatisfied, why not just quit?"

"The bastards at Aztec did some legal wrangling and cheated me out of my pension fund."

"What did they do with it?"

"They gave it to some religious huckster who goes by the pretentious name of Sir William Worldwide."

Hmmm, looked liked I might be dealing with Worldwide sooner than I thought.

I didn't want to prolong Stony's agony by going over the excruciating details of what had happened to him. I'd just wait and see if Third Heaven Central assigned me to the case. No use filling my head with more religion gone wrong information. My brain could only hold so much at one time. Besides, I was attempting to enjoy a leisurely trip across the southern tier of the United States.

"Well, Stony, it was nice meeting you. Hope your missionary work goes well."

"Yea, sure." was all Stony could muster.

As I walked out of the store, I immediately noticed a black and white Heinz 57 mutt standing tensely beside the driver's side door of the Mustang. As I approached the car, the dog became more and more agitated. It started barking wildly but it wasn't barking at me. It was barking at the car! As you may remember, I had been driving with the convertible top down and when I got to the car instead of opening the door I peered over the side of it. My eyes went huge from fear and amazement. A rattlesnake was coiled in the floor mat area near the brake and the clutch.

Stony had heard the commotion and as he was coming outside I shouted to him. "There's a rattlesnake in my car!"

Stony immediately turned around and hurried back into the store. I thought he might be scurrying to safety but in a few moments he was coming back toward me but this time he was holding a stick that looked to be about ten feet long. At the end of the stick was a grappling hook of some kind. He gingerly lowered the hook toward the snake and after some deft manipulation of the hook he lifted the rattlesnake up into the air. The sight of the snake suspended in the air set the dog off on another round of antic barking. Stony then proceeded to walk behind the store where he disposed of the snake. He was matter of fact about the whole thing. I got the feeling dealing with rattlers was part of his daily experience.

I was overwhelmed with relief and when Stony returned I thanked him profusely.

"Don't thank me, thank the dog."

"Yes, of course, what's his name?"

"It's not a he, it's a she and her name is Grace."

I patted the dog's head. "Thank you, Grace!"

It wasn't the first time I'd been 'Saved by Grace'.

THE END